Dear Mom,

Prelude:  I feel a little lost in this world.  March 21st 2019 my mom was given a "death" sentence of Pancreatic Cancer.  They told her that she could take Chemo - and she did try one round - but in the end decided she couldn't do it.  She said she'd just fight it out.   I don't think she ever accepted that she would lose the fight - because every now and then she would say "oh when I can eat again...." In the end, it only took three months -- June 13th 2019.

I love my Mom so much.  I miss her terribly.  It's been a year and a half and it was like yesterday.  Before they told her -- she was not feeling well but she still acted like my Mom.   She was on my team - ALWAYS - unless it was me fussing at her.   She loved me and I loved her.  She loved my girl -- so much.   So whenever I go to the doctor, or my daughter does something cute or when just the weather is beautiful, crisp and cool......I want to call my mom.  I called her every day.   Every.single.day.  Some days we talked about nothing and some days we talked about everything.

This picture is one day when Mom went with me to find/try on a bridesmaids dress for a wedding I was in.   I was so unhappy because the dress I had chosen, I had to get in a size 22 or something crazy.   I felt huge -- but my Mom convinced me it was the dress's fault that they were sized so small.  :)

All of this to say, I feel a little lost without my Mom.  I miss her terribly and would love to just have one more day, one more hug, one more talk about nothing or everything.  This lump in my throat doesn't go away when I think about her.   So I'm going to write her letters when I get like this -- maybe they will help.  

Dear Mom,

I didn't get up until 11:00 today.  I slept great!   

I just really miss you.  The holidays are coming up and YOU LOVED Thanksgiving....I think I'll make Grandma Nita's fruit salad.  I didn't make it last year but I might try it this year.   Meredith and Maggie made pumpkin pies -- I wish I had watched you make them -- there was something a little different about the ones M&M made.   

So I went to the Rheumatologist last week like you made me promise.  He had ran labs and discovered that I don't have lupus...but Psoriatic Arthritis instead.   Both suck in their own way but I've found it hard believing I don't have Lupus -- just as hard as it was to believe I did have Lupus.  PSA makes more sense I know you think so too.  I cried after the visit because I hate PSA....I hate Lupus too.  

There is a CROWD of yellow butterflies near my dark and stormies that are soooo happy with those plants/flowers.   I'm sure it is you and your heaven friends and you approve.  There are a TON of them.  

I better get back to it.  I'm working today so this week won't be so hellacious.  I'm definitely looking forward to a break at Thanksgiving.

I love you so much Mom. 

Weighing heavily on my mind....

This may be a ramble of sorts....but it is something that is weighing heavily on my  mind.  The past few years have been difficult health-wise and stress wise for me and not excluding the weight "thing" either.   Needless to say that "big number" got bigger over the course of time despite my efforts to eat less, eat cleaner and / or exercise.    

My problem is with all of the people who can just lose weight -- without thinking about it - or with minimal effort (and by minimal - little dietary changes or adding a little exercise) but that think they have all of the answers and just don't "get" the overweight thing.  You  know the ones who like to freely hand out their superior wisdom on the eating habits of  "fat people".

If it works for them it should work for everyone, right?

WRONG.

That would be like saying, eating dinner with your family every night at the dinner table will fix your family connection problems.  Or going to bed every night not fighting with your spouse will fix your marriage.  Or perhaps, knowing all of the answers for our schools just because you went to school.

The problem with being overweight is that EVERYONE sees it.  EVERYONE.   What if all of these thin people went around every day with a sign listing all of your INSECURITIES and IMPERFECTIONS and even worse, PROBLEMS written in big bold letters on their backs.

OR

And then I come up to you and give you blanket statements for fixing these issues.  How would you feel?    Again, the problem with being overweight is it is written on the outside like a giant sign in big bold letters.

So the point of this rant, next time you think to judge someone who is overweight....or give them unsolicited advice....reverse the situation.   What if your biggest problem was on a poster that you wore around every day.  Would you want that judgement?  Would you want the blanket "free advice that you've heard a million times?   Does your problem have a genetic component?  A stress component?  A health component?   If no, then back off...be supportive - not critical and stop judging.

Prepackaged Meal Plans

In my quest to make food at home and NOT eat out, because quite frankly my family hates eating out...I signed up for Blue Apron.  We shall see how this fares.

Our first meals come next week and we are getting:

Looks pretty good.  I'll show my version.  Should be interesting.

Going Postal at the Post Office

Let me start out by saying - when I worked for the government, we had STRICT rules on dealing with the "public" - one was definitely use your best customer service skills!     I feel like Public Service is a privilege and not an entitlement.  I had great benefits and an awesome pension / retirement option and awesome sick leave and vacation -- way better than corporate America.  Lots to be grateful for in that position....

So today, I go to the post office.  It's a rare thing, that takes about an hour in just driving time alone.  I use the self service to ship my packages and I thought -- while I am there -- buy stamps.    I bought 100 because like I said -- we RARELY go.

Well now the Self Serve station actually PRINTS the stamps in sheets inside the machine.  When they came out -- they were messed up.    They had QR codes and some were distorted, some were not.  Sometimes you could read the "forever" on them -- but it was always distorted and sometimes not there at all.  Some were cut in half.  It was crazy.  Some were more problematic than others but all 10 sheets were messed up in some way.   So I went and stood in line with my daughter at the counter.

Well when I got up there, the agent had to get - I guess the manager.

The manager looked at them and said   "she just changed the stamps in the machine -- just now." 

She looked at them and said "I can replace these two sheets -- but that's it" Every sheet had messed up stamps.  I'm not sure why she could only replace the two sheets???

I said "well I just don't want to chance it and would like them all replaced with real stamps."  (In my defense THEY WERE CRAZY PRINTED....)

"We can't do that"  she said.  "And these will probably work"
(I'm thinking -- probably? - really, we're going with that)

I was honestly surprised.  I had my receipt. I had just printed them.  This is a no brainer.  We aren't talking 20 cents of stamps -- but $49 worth of stamps.   I said "I just want to replace them with  a roll of stamps."  

She said -- " that machine is different from in here (what?!?!) and you'll need to come back tomorrow to talk to a supervisor. "

I was frustrated.  I admit it.  I was thinking -- if this office doesn't fix this issue - WHO WOULD?   And I said "Ugh - Why does this have to become my problem?"

And she instantly got FIRED UP.  Her complete attitude changed.   "It isn't YOUR problem!!!!"

I said " Actually it is, I now have to come back over here tomorrow." 

She said "(while storming off) let me see if I can take care of this with a phone call"

When she came back she had a roll of stamps...saying "we don't usually do this...I find it unreasonable...."

I said "are you calling me unreasonable?"

She said loudly "I am trying to fix your problem MA'AM" while walking away from me -- she started heading back to the counter and said to her colleage "You've got my back don'tcha"  Like this was some battle we were in.

She handed me the stamps FINALLY and said "we don't do this..." and she started to say something else but she hesitated after looking at my daughter.

I said "Thank you - have a nice day" and walked out.

I did a sample poll online to see what others would have done....here is what I got (names masked to protect the innocent):

Lessons in Forgiveness from an 8 Year Old

For several weeks, we've had an event on our calendar that my 16 year old niece to take my 8 year old to breakfast before church (Niece's idea).  We had to move it from last week to this week, because we had company last weekend...so to say Mere was looking forward to it - is an understatement.

So this morning we got up at 6:30a and got ready. (Well Mere did -- I was sleep walking.)  Around 7:00, we ventured downstairs and waited in my office for Molly to arrive.  Mere was sitting at my desk, staring out the window.   Around 7:30, I was getting worried; my niece wasn't here.  I didn't want to text or call if she was driving, so I texted my sister to see if she had left.

Long story short, Molly wasn't coming.  She called to apologize and I let her speak to Mere.

"Hi Molly"

"Yeah..."

"Ok."

"It's ok Molly"

"Bye Molly"

(hangs up)

"Mom, can I have some cheerios?"

She had gotten up super early and was so excited about her breakfast.  But was completely forgiving when it all fell apart.    She wasn't angry or upset, (maybe a little disappointed) nor did she complain.  I was so proud of her...and I need to be more like her.  I was so proud of how easy it is for her to forgive and move on - and what an example.   So precious.

They ended up spending the afternoon together - pizza and fro-yo.   All is well...and I am one proud mommy.

Black Friday....OUCH

I Am Thankful For.....a lot of things

This year has been a tough one....in a lot of ways.  But I am thankful - for a lot of things.  Too many to list here but my daughter and husband and puppy are at the top of the list.

I hope you feel full of thanksgiving this Thanksgiving.

Happy Day to You!