Prelude: I feel a little lost in this world. March 21st 2019 my mom was given a "death" sentence of Pancreatic Cancer. They told her that she could take Chemo - and she did try one round - but in the end decided she couldn't do it. She said she'd just fight it out. I don't think she ever accepted that she would lose the fight - because every now and then she would say "oh when I can eat again...." In the end, it only took three months -- June 13th 2019.
I love my Mom so much. I miss her terribly. It's been a year and a half and it was like yesterday. Before they told her -- she was not feeling well but she still acted like my Mom. She was on my team - ALWAYS - unless it was me fussing at her. She loved me and I loved her. She loved my girl -- so much. So whenever I go to the doctor, or my daughter does something cute or when just the weather is beautiful, crisp and cool......I want to call my mom. I called her every day. Every.single.day. Some days we talked about nothing and some days we talked about everything.
This picture is one day when Mom went with me to find/try on a bridesmaids dress for a wedding I was in. I was so unhappy because the dress I had chosen, I had to get in a size 22 or something crazy. I felt huge -- but my Mom convinced me it was the dress's fault that they were sized so small. :)
All of this to say, I feel a little lost without my Mom. I miss her terribly and would love to just have one more day, one more hug, one more talk about nothing or everything. This lump in my throat doesn't go away when I think about her. So I'm going to write her letters when I get like this -- maybe they will help.
Dear Mom,
I didn't get up until 11:00 today. I slept great!
I just really miss you. The holidays are coming up and YOU LOVED Thanksgiving....I think I'll make Grandma Nita's fruit salad. I didn't make it last year but I might try it this year. Meredith and Maggie made pumpkin pies -- I wish I had watched you make them -- there was something a little different about the ones M&M made.
So I went to the Rheumatologist last week like you made me promise. He had ran labs and discovered that I don't have lupus...but Psoriatic Arthritis instead. Both suck in their own way but I've found it hard believing I don't have Lupus -- just as hard as it was to believe I did have Lupus. PSA makes more sense I know you think so too. I cried after the visit because I hate PSA....I hate Lupus too.
There is a CROWD of yellow butterflies near my dark and stormies that are soooo happy with those plants/flowers. I'm sure it is you and your heaven friends and you approve. There are a TON of them.
I better get back to it. I'm working today so this week won't be so hellacious. I'm definitely looking forward to a break at Thanksgiving.
I love you so much Mom.
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